You’re not the only one with doubts about us…

You say our relationship is great, that there are things you truly enjoy about me.
And yet, you say the reason we can’t live together is because you doubt my resolve about issues you consider more important, like my spending habits and my debt load.
I don’t wish my financial burden on anyone. They’re mine and I accept them. I am making a genuine effort to improve my financial position.
But don’t lord and pontificate about how you’re so much better when you want or need my help, or use my stuff.
Maybe you wouldn’t be so condescending about how much money you have if you had to pay for things like your own data plan instead of using my mifi, or when you need access to my truck to return your gear.
That stuff takes money, you’re not paying for.
When you leave for your trip and I tell you the mifi is shut off, and you have to use your own data plan, let’s see how important your frugality is then..
Btw, I don’t disclose how many women flirt w/me out of respect for you. But if you knew
You’d treat me better…

we make our own demons..

Its funny how the conflicted parts of us want to get out.
When someone we know gets praise for a job well done, we think that person is self serviing.
When its us, we either blush or boast. If were grateful for the recognition, we try and downplay the notoriety.
Why cant we be proud of ourselves and others for the great work we/they do and let others enjoy the praise?

we make our own demons..

Surreal dreams


During times of stress and doubt, I sometimes I get these nightmares involving my ex and I.
The dreams are random and nonlinear in that there’s not a constant theme or beginning and end.
The only thing that’s constant is that involves she and I together someplace interacting together and it never ends well. This doesn’t mean anyone is physically harmed or injured only that at conclusion the underlying theme is remorse or regret.
There’s a message in there somewhere.

Personal Value…

value  At a small and intimate party with some friends last night, my friend chuck reiterated the idea of relationship Personal Value in someone’s life.  The saying, People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think the value is to determine which and the duration test is time.

People come and go in our lives. That is constant. Some relationships are location and time based, high school/basic training/college. Some are professional, mentor and trainee, and some are intimate.

I think the real surprise is their overall impact to us. Do they inspire us to be something better then what we are?  to be someone everyone can look up to?  Or,  Do they bring out the worst in us to benefit themselves? feed an ego, or mitigate some monetary need.

There will be opportunists and heroes among us.  Using Value and time,  we can discern one from the other.

losing someone

A good friend of mine lost his dog of many years to some unknown illness. The event was quick and luckily his friend didn’t suffer long.
People forget Pets are not property, they are family. They love unconditionally us for who we are, our strengths and weaknesses.
They are our quiet confidants. They know our all our secrets. They are with us when we succeed, and pick us up when we fail. In return, all they want is to be with us. To be part of our lives.
They greet us every day. and tuck us in when we sleep. When we wake, they are there demanding to be fed and share some cereal. And greet us every night when we come home. They instinctively know when we arrive so that their faces are the ones we see in the window as we pull in, or open the door.
My heart breaks when I read about animal abuse cases, because I know no matter how much abuse they take, some pets continue to love.
I see it in folks as well. People who should know better then continue to invest time and effort others, continue to do so.
I feel bad for my friend. I think his dog has helped him deal with past challenges. Now, that his friend has passed, He gets to carry on by himself.
Hes a good guy. He didn’t deserve this.
I hope he allows himself to grieve and find a new pet to share his house with.
For Me, Death is something I have never really accepted.
I first saw Death when my first dog Rocky a black lab died when I was 13.
I dont recall it, but my dad mentioned I was in deep depression. I hadnt eaten anything for a week or two.
Rocky was beautiful. Stocky, with Huge paws, he looked like a huge block of coal. Loyal, inquisitive. friendly, and outspoken. He was always at my side from sun up till sundown, till he passed away after a car hit him when he was 6months old.
I went through a slew of pets after him, and after the last pet Kenny passed. I wanted no more of pets.
Rachel my Ex gave me Cat to keep me company as we sorted out our differences. The goal was for me to keep cat til we reconciled and reunited after some time to save us and our relationship.
Cat and I have been together since she left us both.
We survived, endured and succeeded without Rachel.
In spite of everything, Cat and I have done just fine. We even brought in Nissa to join our adventures.
I worry that I can’t cope when Cat goes. Together, We survived doubt, indecision, poor choices and career restarts. What happens when its just me and nissa.?


losing someone

catching up…

I’ve been busy with work and not been able to update my blog stuff.

Now because of the federal shutdown, I find I have a lot more time to preach about the things that frustrate, annoy and possibly humble me.
Hopefully, this blog like my Jeep will improve and be a work in progress…

Jeep TJ with factory drivinglights 13oct13


I see my friends liking things and doing things contrary to their actions and I find it obscene and offensive. Specifically, the most liberal minded folks I know have turned 180 degrees and are now screaming rank and file tea party blather.

I am not sure where the disconnect happens. I have known some of these people for significant amounts of time. I have partied hard w/some of these folks, and conservative ideas were the least of their concerns.

Now they outwordly profess to being fans of marriage, God , and country. People who screamed for their rights of individuality, and the freedom to chose their own path  are now rank and file supporters of tea party crap.  People who recklessly got married 2 or 3x are now pontificating to others about the sanctity of marriage.

My biggest frustration is that some of my friends, follow pundits rather then facts to make informed decisions.  Its frustrating, and annoying. I reread regurgitated blather from neocon pundits on their FB page. luckily, I have the ability to hide their comments, so I dont have to read or comment.

I guess Time eventually catches up to us and changes us.  If Time can change my ideologies and get me to start thinking for myself, I worry that the inverse, that my friends beliefs are defined by others willing to do their thinking for them.

I guess that is why I am conflicted.